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not in a Good Place here, no. - Diary of a Necromancer
Excuse me, I'm making perfect sense, you're just not keeping up
not in a Good Place here, no.
Well, I had thought that I'd managed to arrive at a state of relative detente with the Brainweasels lately, but that one-two punch from my Alleged Family over New Year's has had me right back in the mire despite some unseasonable warmth. It's not as if I was even particularly close to that side (...obviously), but there's something about the feeling of utter disregard that I'm left with from the overall experience that's mashing all the old Abandonment Issues buttons. I'm still walking around going, "...SERIOUSLY? WTH, man, did that really just happen to me twice?"

I guess I should be easier on myself; I've been having these flashes of beating myself up over making this All About Me (because, obviously, I don't even exist anyway so where do I get off?), but then again I think I get to point out here that that was a horrible way for that to go down, and it is standing in the way of my even being able to react to the actual events. So maybe I should just let myself roll with the Stabby Weepy RAEG at how for a while and let an eventual response to what come along or not on its own terms? Idunno. I just wish that it didn't all make me feel quite so much like a three-year-old who's been left at a bus stop somewhere.


4 responses | moved to respond?
ashnistrike From: ashnistrike Date: January 7th, 2012 03:44 pm (UTC) (permalink this entry)
Repeat to self: "I do not have an internal problem. I have a fucked-up family." Which you are perfectly justified in being angry at.
robling_t From: robling_t Date: January 10th, 2012 12:40 am (UTC) (permalink this entry)
I think I've arrived at a plan for Something Resembling Closure, which is that since we've now got a current address for somebody down there it seems like it wouldn't be too far out of line to drop them a condolence card about the Aunt and try at the same time to at least get proper confirmation RE the grandmother; sending that off would probably be the last interaction I'll end up ever having with this side, given that the members of it that I was familiar with at all are now gone, but it would feel a little less like they'd just disappeared into the ether just like... um, did I ever tell you the story about what happened when my father died, come to think of it? (If you really want to know why the bowl of petunias said oh, no, not again RE the ongoing Abandonment Issues, man... {sigh})
morgynleri_fic From: morgynleri_fic Date: January 7th, 2012 05:24 pm (UTC) (permalink this entry)
*hugs you tightly* Family knows how best to hit all the buttons that make you feel like crap because they installed those buttons. And sometimes, no matter how hard you try, or how good your outside support system, you can't get rid of those buttons entirely.

All that matters right now? Is that you have friends who are here for you, and you're working on it. Going with the anger for now, and letting your subconscious work on the response to the what is a perfectly valid thing, and if it works for you, then go for it. Anger is also a useful emotion when you're not overwhelmed by it - which, from the evidence I have in front of me, you certainly don't appear to be.

*hugs you again, and offers hot tea and chocolate*
robling_t From: robling_t Date: January 10th, 2012 12:52 am (UTC) (permalink this entry)
What gets me about it is the part where I was finally after many years starting to feel like I could see Coping up ahead in the headlights somewhere, and now I'm right back to going around in a state where the slightest additional load is the WORST THING EVAR. I'm trying to keep in mind that it's been an unusually... eventful week or so RE some sort of perspective, but it can just ease off any time it likes, y'know...?
4 responses | moved to respond?