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November is National Brainweasel Month - Diary of a Necromancer
Excuse me, I'm making perfect sense, you're just not keeping up
November is National Brainweasel Month
Okay, definitely romping with the teal deer here, so I'll shove the Brainweasels under a cut where the Decent Folk don't have to worry themselves about it...

Um. Yeah. So. This one is a Bad Night. Assorted guesses here for proximate causes to point fingers at, not least the part where on top of the usual money woes we're now far enough in arrears with the condo association that Bad Things Will Happen, but it all kind of boils down to thinking, what the hell is the point?

Which is one of those thoughts that you're supposed to speak up about when you catch the little bastards.

Which is not easy when the Brainweasels say that showing evidence of having any needs at all will get you jumped on for being an attention-whore. And it doesn't exactly help anything that I've gotten into it twice with Mum in the last two days, trying to convey that independently of anything else that may be going on right now I am not in a particularly good place overall, and been met with, in fairly rapid succession, "everybody has a leg off and they just drown it out Keeping Busy", "I have both legs off and there's nothing I can do about it either", "so do you want me to quit my job so I can pay exclusive attention to your leg being off", and "ignore the leg, it's probably just impending menopause". (The last one is actually fairly new, but I recall instances of the "quit my job" argument going back to when I was about ten.) All of which may be absolutely true, but it is not helpful to hear.

(I feel like even saying this much will be taken as angling for sympathy. Maybe I am, I have no idea what "normal" is supposed to look like by this point and for all I know my alleged emotional responses would look like an alien language to anybody else. But if you can't complain about your troubles to Random Strangers On The Internet, who can you complain about them to? ;) )

Anyway. Probably not at immediate risk of jumping in front of the L... because I don't have bus-fare... but really not having a hell of a lot of fun with my life just now. I need a job, I need a Purpose, I need a life. And right now I can't begin to conceptualize how to bring any of those things about, much less picture having to energy to follow through, and I gather that this is a Bad Place to be in.

I will bundle up and go over to pick up Cryoburn once the library's open, possibly after sleep (of which there has been too little the last few days) and maybe the Brainweasels will have backed off a little from red alert by then, not that the underlying Issues will have been at all addressed but at least I've ranted about made mention of my state of mind to the internet which is sort of like doing something about it, right...?

feeling: depressed depressed

7 responses | moved to respond?
valdary From: valdary Date: November 18th, 2010 02:58 pm (UTC) (permalink this entry)
Having cause to worry about keeping a roof over your head is a perfectly valid concern to share with your family. *hugs*
silver_chipmunk From: silver_chipmunk Date: November 18th, 2010 05:24 pm (UTC) (permalink this entry)
Good lord, yes. Of all things to worry about, I'd say that's one of THE most valid to share with your family.
morgynleri_fic From: morgynleri_fic Date: November 18th, 2010 03:32 pm (UTC) (permalink this entry)
What valdary said, for one.

For two, watch for PM.

*hugs you tightly*
aldersprig From: aldersprig Date: November 18th, 2010 08:46 pm (UTC) (permalink this entry)
Thirding what Valdary said.

Wanting to talk about problems is okay.

And yes. Talking to Random Strangers is sometimes easier. If you need such - well, here I am.
grahamwest From: grahamwest Date: November 18th, 2010 09:52 pm (UTC) (permalink this entry)
Everybody needs some sympathy. We're not made out of wood!

Sorry to hear that you're having a tough time. If I had any really tangible suggestions or answers I would share them, but you're a smart person and from what I can tell you've been through all the obvious stuff already.

Just remember that others are thinking of you even though they may be far away.
ljgeoff From: ljgeoff Date: November 19th, 2010 03:13 am (UTC) (permalink this entry)
Just wanted to chime in that I think it's normal to ask for help, and to say something when things don't feel good. I'm thinking of you.
unhipster From: unhipster Date: November 20th, 2010 07:25 am (UTC) (permalink this entry)
I wish I could do something to help. :-(
7 responses | moved to respond?