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original fiction: Tin Man [1/16] - Diary of a Necromancer
Excuse me, I'm making perfect sense, you're just not keeping up
robling_t
robling_t
original fiction: Tin Man [1/16]
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ljgeoff From: ljgeoff Date: June 8th, 2010 03:39 am (UTC) (permalink this entry)
You've got solid world building. I really like it. I like the characters. There were some clever lines that made me grin. I liked the breakfast scene with the caravan guys. I liked the image of the gollum standing there, that empty suit of armor that is more.

But. Though I'm curious about what will happen next, I'm just a little curious. I feel no real push to read the rest of the story. I haven't made an emotional committment because there's nothing in the first chapter that has tugged at my emotions.

What if, instead of hiring Liane to help him kill the Thing, Robling meets Liane in that first fight, when he was almost killed by the Thing? While reading that scene, I might become more emotionally attached to the characters. They could almost kill each other. The gollum might almost kill Liane. There might be all kinds of crazy, hair-raising shenanigans!

To get into a story, I need more than just curiosity. I need to feel an emotional attachment to the characters. I know that it's hard to change something that you've sweated over. Just write that scene; write from both perspectives. You know the characters now, inside out - I bet it'll be easy to write. See if it works.
robling_t From: robling_t Date: June 9th, 2010 05:01 am (UTC) (permalink this entry)
I haven't made an emotional committment because there's nothing in the first chapter that has tugged at my emotions.

The interesting catch-22 with that, as it happens, is that his affect is actually supposed to be a deliberate element of the story (and you're not the first person to bounce off it over the point); I'd really have to say try giving the rest of it a go if just for the sake of getting the critical-perspective on it as writers, 'cos the question of how to address that issue more effectively within the text would be better served tackling it from the end where I can say, "so, where does it go wrong when I'm trying to make it do X..."
17 responses | moved to respond?