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This is not about my neighbors having loud sex. Or not JUST about. - Diary of a Necromancer
Excuse me, I'm making perfect sense, you're just not keeping up
robling_t
robling_t
This is not about my neighbors having loud sex. Or not JUST about.
Trying to focus on getting... well, anything done, and I keep sinking back into spinning my mental wheels; this week's go-round is the old standby of "who do you think you are? [to think you can ___]", with the twist that it's been getting into "who does anybody think they are?", and a sort of existential puzzlement about how people come out thinking that what's going on inside them is of any damn consequence whatsoever to the external world. Too many years of being told that I wasn't having X reaction emotionally or physically instead of getting any redress regarding said reaction have taken their toll on my ability to conceptualize myself as an active agent in my own existence, I think...

...My head is a very weird place and should probably be studied.

Tags:
feeling: gloomy gloomy

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Comments
ljgeoff From: ljgeoff Date: July 8th, 2010 07:51 pm (UTC) (permalink this entry)
Self doubt is a killer. I hate it. When I'm having a hard time with self doubt, I try to do something -- anything. Write a drabble, make dinner, go for a walk. As long as it's doing something -- mindless gaming doesn't help me when I'm like this.

Sam, you know you can be effective. Look at that new computer. Damn,girl! You said that you were going to do it and you did.

And as far as being consequential, this little post of yours has made a significant impact on my day. Yesterday, I was feeling a bit like you are -- my goals felt out of reach. Reading your post, I realize how much my mood fluctuates, and how my mood does not reflect my reality.

Thank you for that!
robling_t From: robling_t Date: July 8th, 2010 10:13 pm (UTC) (permalink this entry)
It's not exactly self-doubt in the conventional sense, at this point; it's tangentially related to the reaction to my last Writer in a Drawer piece, but not so much the content of the reaction itself as the part where I apparently hit a divide-by-zero error in my brain trying to wrap myself around the idea of taking offense -- I can see the points being raised here, that's not the issue, but I get this crash when I try to picture being in a place where you get to say, "this isn't okay for me, and that matters, because..." Which is apparently not how most people's heads work, and it gets me despairing of the possibility of communicating if I'm apparently This Weird, which is obviously deadly for a writer. I need therapy for exactly the reasons that keep me from seeking it out...
ysabetwordsmith From: ysabetwordsmith Date: July 8th, 2010 10:50 pm (UTC) (permalink this entry)

Well...

>> "who do you think you are? [to think you can ___]", <<

1) You are who you choose to be.
2) You know how people are always saying, "Somebody should do something about X"...? Be Somebody.

>> a sort of existential puzzlement about how people come out thinking that what's going on inside them is of any damn consequence whatsoever to the external world. <<

What goes on inside you is of consequence to the extent that it motivates you to do things (or not do things), followed by the impact of your words and actions (or silences and inactions) on those around you.

>> Too many years of being told that I wasn't having X reaction emotionally or physically instead of getting any redress regarding said reaction have taken their toll on my ability to conceptualize myself as an active agent in my own existence, I think...<<

Yes, that can happen. The most straightforward way to deal with it is to grope your way through your feelings and experiences and name them. The affirmation helps the awareness. When your confidence level with the identification goes up, then it's easier to do something about it.

Also you need to have people around you who will either be supportive of this process, or get the fuck out of your way so you can work on it. People who try to edit you out of your own life are hazards to be avoided.

morgynleri_fic From: morgynleri_fic Date: July 9th, 2010 01:34 am (UTC) (permalink this entry)
*hugs you tightly*
atlanticat From: atlanticat Date: July 9th, 2010 11:46 am (UTC) (permalink this entry)
I think you may be experiencing a bout of post-employment depression. See if you can find another job. Even part-time. It might help.

I relate, though. More than you can know....
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