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Writer's Block: Change is good - Diary of a Necromancer
Excuse me, I'm making perfect sense, you're just not keeping up
robling_t
robling_t
Writer's Block: Change is good
If you could change one major thing about your life, whether a relationship, your job, your living situation, your school, etc., what would it be? Are you currently working toward a serious life transition?


Hm, it's an interesting question, because are we talking about changing something in the sense of "starting from right now I'd like to wake up tomorrow and...", or "I'd rather ______ had gone differently in some way"? Considering that the Serious Life Transition that appears to be looming is in the Okay, Girlybits, WTF is on your tiny little mind in there NOW range, both approaches have been on my mind of late: how did I get to here, and where am I going with it?

The second one's kind of a non-starter, 'cos even with a time machine I wouldn't be able to point to a moment in my life where I would have had any power to change its course; most of the shit that's gone wrong ultimately goes down to the biological bedrock I got dealt at the beginning, and too much damage had already been done by the time most normal people would be starting to look around and say okay, what are my options here? because they actually had some. (Yeah, never did write up that "objectively ghastly childhood" post, did I. Let's just say that if you think the way ADHD is handled now can be barbaric... {sigh})

As to "I'd like to wake up tomorrow as ____" sorts of considerations, assuming we're probably taking the magic-wand answers like "normal" off the table and confining it to the realm of stuff that could at least theoretically be changed if I got off my arse about it, I can't actually think of anything, which is sort of the problem. Having a relationship would be nice, having employment would be nice, a different living situation would be nice, but if I had the first clue what I even wanted then maybe I'd already be working on it. So I suppose the answer might actually be something like "I'd get myself hooked up with a good therapist", if I had enough of a sense of self-worth to convince myself it was worth bothering anyone.


(And, for the record, I'm actually in a slightly better place than I was a few weeks ago, it's just that it's kind of an intractable problem. Lots of early conditioning to the effect that my existence is kind of surplus to requirements so far as anybody else cares -- it struck me tonight that one of the things that's actually freaking me out most about the idea of the Girlybits getting ready to pack it in is that nobody's ever even bothered to pressure me to have kids, which I gather is, what, kind of unusual? I've been asked what my plans in that line were exactly twice, once when I was in eighth grade and said "hell no" because I was already convinced it would be unfair to bring a kid into this world, and once when I was 28 and my father rather halfheartedly brought up the G-word. Apparently I project such an aura that I already know what I'm doing that people don't question it, which tends to be a lethal combination with the view from in here that I could be on fire and all I'd get for speaking up about it is a vague "oh, you're still here?" sort of look...)

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feeling: gloomy gloomy

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